I have said before that in these last few years I have come to LOVE running. I never thought that I would, but I really do love it. Pushing myself, believing in myself, being...eh um...ALONE for a few minutes! But these last few months finding time or energy to run has been few and far between. This morning I made myself get out there. While I was running, about a 1/2 mile in, I noticed I was running with my head down. Now if you know a few things about running, you know running with your head down is not good for you and doesn't really help you go very fast or far. So I tried picking my head up. But my mind did not like the change for some reason, I had to fight to keep my head up. WHY do I write all these things in an adoption blog you may ask....stick with me, I will explain.
I'm laying it all out now-I am a pretty insecure person. Some have been surprised to hear me say that, so I must be a good actress, but it is true. The reason running with my head down comes so naturally for me is because of my insecurity, (yes I'm laying it all out there, figured it's better to do now instead of when I write my autobiography when I'm a rock star) It has been a while since I ran outside, it has been awhile since I ran at all, what if people were watching me and thinking, wow she's running ridiculously sloooow, why does she even bother! Now if I really stopped to think about it, do I really think anyone is sitting at their window at 7am on a Saturday watching me? NO! It's those lies I let into my head, and for some reason believe. So after forcing myself to keep my head up it becomes easier and finally I'm in a spot where keeping my eyes up isn't a problem and automatically my metal state has changes. I'm telling myself I can do this, I'm telling myself you got this, and more importantly, why do I care what anyone else thinks, I'm not doing this for them! And that's when I really start enjoying the run.
(Now to my point) After 3 or 4 comments from people of, why would you not adopt from America when we have so many children here, or why are you adopting when you already have children, or why are you raising money to adopt when you don't HAVE to adopt in the first place...I feel beat down. I feel defeated. I too start turning those questions over and over in my head and start thinking, they are right, I already have four, can I really handle more?, I don't have money and I hate asking for money, should I even be doing this? Should I really keep doing this and listen to people bash us for not being "American" enough to adopt "our own"? I feel like maybe this was a bad idea and I should just walk the rest of the way home and quit.
*Before I go on I must say, I DO think all of these are logical questions, I have NO problem answering them when I feel that someone genuinely wants to know the answers.
Just like getting a chance to go out for a run alone, being a mom of four kids, cleaning, cooking, laundry, planning, ect. I have a hard time really finding time to get myself into the Word alone. But man when I do, I am pumped. When I get that chance to see God face to face and be refreshed, I feel held, and I remember, I'm not doing this for them, and no offense that means I don't care what you think about us. I'm doing this because GOD called us to adopt, we're adopting from China because GOD called us to China, He's asking us to step out in faith to adopt without money because He called ALL of us to take care of orphans in some way, and us specifically to raise them, and we are adding to our family of 6 because HE thinks we can. And that's when I remember how important it is to ALWAYS keep my head up, because He is where my confidence and strength comes from to keep running.
Philippians 3:14 I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upwardcall of God in Christ Jesus.
1 Corinthians 9:24 Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.
8 Give thanks to the LORD, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done.9 Sing to him, sing praise to him; tell of all his wonderful acts. 10 Glory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the LORD rejoice. 11 Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always. I Chronicles 16:8-11
