The Feelings That Wrestle With My Heart

              So many have asked how I am feeling. Such a loaded questions as my heart is being pulled in so many directions.
            The first set of feelings is about the surgery, risks, etc. I am so very thankful Nina was a candidate to have this possibility as there are plenty of Tuberous Sclerosis kiddos who are not. The chance to be with a team of neurologist and surgeons who we trust is a huge blessing! Especially coming from skeptics such as Josh and I. But obviously the thought of my sweet baby lying on an operating table for hours kills me! The what could go wrong is always hanging over me. Though honestly I have enough faith in the doctors, that it is not a huge burden.
           The thought of what my baby feels kills me. She is not able to really tell me how she is feeling, if she is scared, if she is angry for us putting her through all of this, neither can we explain why we are doing this for her. That thought hurts my heart as we are still building trust in our sweet girl. She is still learning we will NEVER leave her. We will never give up on her and that we love her and are fighting for her! Oh how I wish I could explain to her when they wheel her away that our arms ache to hold her and we will be waiting on the other side every time!
         There is a greater fear for me if this will work. There is a very high success rate for this kind of surgery. 75% of kids come out seizure free either on meds or without meds. I hate to think of us having to put her through this again if this doesn't work.
        Probably my greatest fear is who will be wheeled back out on that surgery bed? When you mess with the brain the way they are, all kinds of changes can and hopefully will be made in her life and personality. Our surgeons assistant said, you would be surprised in how fast their brain recovers and begins to rapidly learn things she missed out on for so long. All of this is GREAT NEWS! But if  you have a child, imagine falling in love with a child, all their quirks and mannerisms that make them uniquely them, and you see all of that falling away. Do not get me wrong, I want my baby girl to live up to her full potential! I look forward to one day being able to hold a conversation with her and watch her starting up friendships with other children her age, but we love our Nina. We love her truly for how she came to us. Her stubborn fight that has carried her through her life and hasn't stopped yet, her love for feet :), her giggle that can some times start for no reason but soon has you laughing and her love and affection for everyone she meets! THAT is our Nina. The quirks that at one time I did not understand but quickly became overwhelmed with love for!
As we sit in the waiting room waiting for our names to be called so many emotions run through my head about what days lay ahead, but I know without a shadow of a doubt, the Lord knows my fears, He knows my heart and He is and always has been holding my baby girl in His hands.

This song has been my heart as I lean and trust in the arms of my Heavenly Father...

I can not wait till we can look back on this day as another day Nina's life was transformed!

Orphan Sunday-The Great Calling of ALL our Church

WAKE UP CHURCH! Hellloooo! Is this thing on?!?! IF you are not a Christian, I'm not talking to you. The good you do really is from the bottom of your heart. But Christians, you are with out excuse!!! We are COMMANDED to care for the orphans and widows...

               Psalms 82:3 Defend the weak and the fatherless; uphold the cause of the poor and the oppressed.

*This is my fair warning, you may either be annoyed with me or hate me through the whole blog...you have been warned...but hang in there, I promise I have something to say worth hearing...in love! I hope only to share what is on my heart. 

           If you did not already know Orphan Sunday is coming. The one day out of the year that advocates for babies all over the world BEG you to see them. Hear their stories, know they have a name, see the tears falling from nights of having to do this life thing alone. So here, I will do my best to do it for them. I mean we can do one day right? Breast cancer gets attention for at least a whole 31 days. Don't hit me, it is for sure a worthy cause, I would NEVER say it is not. But if we can give something 31 days, surely we can ponder the lives of children all over...for one.

            Did you know in many Eastern European orphanages, children age out of their "baby orphanages" at the age of 5? They leave, most times an orphanage that will change them, feed them and let them play, to a mental institution of adults. Where most...die. Heartbreaking right? Children for their "safety" will be tied to cribs for hours on end. Adults will take what they can from children, food, blankets, whatever they can get. These lives existing together, survive on survival of the fittest! There is no other way. And let's face it, babies require a lot of attention and work, but in a building of hundreds of sick and dying people, who has time to get to the baby who has stopped crying, simply because no one hears them.  I have heard many say who have been there that it is EERIE how silent a room filled with babies is. It should not be this way people! There needs to be the cry of a baby screaming,

                                          "Someone see me! I have been wet for                                       days! There is no heat and the wet                              clothes are freezing!" 

                                  "Someone hold me! I need to know I                          am loved! That I am worth more than these metal bars and white walls tell me I am!"

           "Someone please feed me! I have been crawling on the dirt floor and the weight of the sand in my belly is not enough!"

                           "Someone protect me! The hand of the over worked nanny in an over crowded institute, is painful!"

"Someone hear me, the nights in a different bed every week leaves me cold, alone and broken. I want to trust when they say they love me, but so did the last family that I was taken from."

        I have heard more than one story of the fears sweet children coming into adoption families have shared because of the trauma and the things these sweet children have to see that NO ONE, no adult, no human and certainly NO CHILD, should ever have to see! Children afraid of dolls whose eyes do not blink because they had seen children, their friends, not wake up next to them, in morning. Waking up next to a child, whose eyes, no longer blink.

           In China children age out at 14. When children are put on the street, their life title is and will always be ORPHAN. Leaving them with no chance at life as you and I know it. No 9-5 job, no family, nothing. Their choices, prostitution, selling drugs, or death. Could you imagine your 14 year old having to make that choice?
      I know we all think a whole lot of our government and the job it does at taking care of it's own. But did you know the ultimate goal of any child in the foster system is reunification? I hear ya, I would LOVE every child to live out their days with their biological parents. In a perfect world that is where a child ALWAYS belongs. But while most (not all as I have NO DOUBT their are children in our foster care starving) are fed and have a roof over their heads until their mom and dad can get their lives together. Many parents don't ever get there. But these parents are given chance after chance after chance. A child will be taken from their mom who has man after man come in their lives, beating their child, and given one more chance...to watch their child get beaten by the next guy. And be taken back to a different family. All the while this family might be working hard at wanting to keep this hurt, broken child in as their own and give them the life they have always dreamed of. But the child's fate is to stay in the system till the parents rights have FINALLY be severed (they have done something SO terrible that it has FINALLY gotten to this point), the parent finally sign their own rights away, or the child ages out of the system, missing the only chance they had at something normal. Left with memories of inconsistency, wounds, and a system that constantly let them down.

              But we are to busy. Our schedules are too filled with our own children's well paid for activities. Our mortgages are about as much as we can afford and we needed to have it fully furnished and decorated. I am too busy giving my children every THING, every opportunity, I never had. Our kids NEED this and NEED that, where would the money come from to feed the poor. Where will the time come from to go on a missions trip to build an orphanage? I think some times we as Americans live our lives and completely forget that WE could be that woman working the street corners in Romania because both of her parents were killed in a war torn country and she had to learn to survive the only way she knew how. We forget that WE could be that man who stands in the way on the street begging for money with drug lines all the way up his arms! What man who has seen Christian after Christian walk by, dressed to the nines, with their eyes averted the other direction in hopes they wont feel guilty, want anything with a God we CLAIM to love so much!

 WERE IT NOT FOR GRACE FOLKS, THAT WOULD BE US!!! 

CHRISTIANS WAKE UP!!!! When did our hearts and minds make our GOD SO SO SMALL??!?!?!?! What is there HE can't do?! we tell our children, "This is the God who helped a man and his family build an ark big enough and safe enough to hold his family and 2 of every kind of animal for a year while there was a world wide flood! This is the God who helped tiny David defeat a giant with a sling and a stone! This is the God who told Joshua and his people to MARCH around the city of Jericho and the walls fell!!!!" So do we think HE did all of those things we tell our children? Or are they really just fairy-tales? Could your God really carve out time in our busy lives to feed the poor? Could HE provide $30k to give a child a forever home, or even smaller, enough money to help a country in Africa build a well to have clean safe water? Our God can do big big things! We just have to remember that He is that Big and allow Him to do it! "IF I had a dollar for every person who says I would love to adopt but..." I could fund another adoption! I promise you, I am NOT judging! I have seen God move major mountains in our adoption last year, you think that would keep me forever sure in His power and never doubt...but I still fall short.

In the new book "You and Me Forever" by Francis Chan and his wife Lisa Chan

 " Sometimes people are paralyzed by fear of failure. They are so afraid that they might do the wrong thing that they do nothing. We need to learn to err on the side of action, because we tend to default to negligence. So many won't do anything unless they hear a voice from heaven telling them precisely what to do. Why not default to action until you hear a voice from heaven telling you to wait? For example: Why not assume you should adopt kids unless you hear a voice telling you not to? Wouldn't that seem more Biblical since God told us that true religion is to care for the widows and orphans (James 1:27)?"

There are so many children, waiting for someone to see them...

So many children waiting for someone to see them, to hear them and to want them! So many families who dared to ask God..."Do you want us to bring one of them home?" And waiting to watch God's hand through the lives of the church and His people reach out and help bring them home. So many kids in crowded foster homes with so little money to feed the many children that line their cribs! So many children in the foster home who are hoping and praying someone will take a chance on them. To love them, even if it may change what you thought your perfect life should have looked like. The system is not the only thing failing these kids...WE are failing these kids!

                       "Who will hear? Who will see? Who will love?" 

Matthew 25:35

For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me.

What do we think of this verse? Do we think, "He isn't talking about me?" Do we wait until someone else does it. Do we shake our fist at God saying, "Where are you God? Can you see these children dying, DO SOMETHING!"

CHURCH HE MEANT YOU! YOU are His hands and feet! That was HIS plain all along! 

Here are a few ways you can start being the hands and feet of God...

Consider sponsoring a child living in New Day Foster Home in China. The cost is only $35 a month, and you will receive regular updates from this amazing organization. The children below are just four children currently in need of sponsors. Click the following link to sponsor a child today! http://www.newdaycreations.com/foster/help/sponsorship.htm

All of these children need sponsors so that their nannies are able to continue training to care for them and for medical supplies, food and schooling. New Day is a foster care in China that takes in medically fragile children until they can be adopted. Many children living here are in pre school and taken care of.

Show Hope

An organization started by Steven Curtis Chapman to help raise awareness for the Orphan Crisis, provides life saving surgeries for orphans all over the world, and provides grants for families in the process of adopting.

FRIENDS, FAMILY, COMMUNITY

Look around you, there are people fundraising for everything all over! Friends who are sick who need help with medical bills, there are foster homes allll over the country, FIND ONE! See if there is anything you can do to help them. Bottles, wipes, diapers a cooked meal! Do you know someone who has adopted or is in the process? Adoption isn't cheap, so you don't feel called to adopt, help them! Share their status, be their cheerleader. Give if you can, whether it is time or a phone call to see how they are holding up. And if you know someone who has adopted, you would know, after they have been home a week, the excitement has worn down. But their lives of crazy are just getting started. Love on them! See what your church can do to encourage them or lift them up! HELP anyway you can! Know a troubled teen in your youth group or down the street who you know was adopted or in the foster care. LOVE ON THEM! Some times kids need someone else to hear their story from an unbiased view . 

These are just some of the many MANY organizations out there providing hope for children all over the world. Still need help finding more, I would be happy to help point you in the direction of some that need more people jumping on board to help! We can never out give God! NEVER!

I put together this video to help show you what Love and a family can do for the children of the world.

 Be that family that stands out and does something radical together! BE HIS HANDS AND FEET!

PLEASE PLEASE! I am begging you...spend this Sunday thinking about the children over seas, the children in your kids schools and the children being moved from house to house who need us to be Jesus in their lives. Can you take an hour out of your day this Sunday November 2nd to pray about what YOU can do?

Love you all! Hope this hasn't driven too many people to want to throw any rocks :) I truly love you all, but I love God more, and I know He wants us to love the people in this world more than ourselves! xoxoxoxox

.

Miss Abbi Grace

       

        So I wanted to write a little bit more about Miss Abbi Grace! Abbi is in an orphanage in Shanghai China. Unfortunately for us Shanghai does not give many updates about their children so I may not get too much more information like I did with Nina. Fortunately though, I was able to connect with a facebook page with other moms who are going or who have gone to Shanghai to get their kiddos, so they may be able to meet Abbi and hug her for me! She is 3 and will be 4 in January.
            She has severe hearing loss in her left ear and mild hearing loss in her right ear. She also has a hemangioma on her liver. Along with these other needs she has mild hemiplegia on her right side, but from her video seems to get a long just fine. Because of her hearing loss it says she is not speaking, but being in a family of girls, I am sure she will catch up pretty fast once she starts her therapies.
             We can not WAIT to bring her home and make her a Noll! I have no doubt she will fit right in!
           It is going to be a journey watching God move mountains to raise the funds but we know He is able and I can't wait to watch all of the people He uses to make it happen!
       
  And only 5 more days to buy a shirt to bring her home!!!! Go here to buy it! It Is Here! 

Here is a little video for your Abbi viewing pleasure ;)

Thank you and God bless!!!!!

It Is HERE!!!

Well I have been working on a design for a shirt and I cannot wait to show you all!!! This is an idea I have had floating around in my head since before we knew we were going back again! After teaming up with Fund the Nations their professional designers tweaked my design and I LOVE it!!!!
So without further adieu I present you with our shirt that will hopefully help lead the way into our fundraiser efforts to bring our Abbi Grace home to her forever family!!!!!
My favorite part--look closely in the word LOVE!!! Awesome right?!

Adult XS-XL                                                    $20

Adult XXL                                                        $22

Youth M-XL                                                     $20

Child's sizes                                                      $15

                

                                                             

*** It is more cost effective for us if you want to send a check to us at

 8550 Pinetop Ridge Ln Brooksville, Fl 34613, then we aren't paying Paypal fees :)

*There is a $5 suggested shipping fee; obviously all help in fees help us towards our goal of bringing Abbi home but I want all to be able to show their support of Orphans and of Abbi Grace!

*These shirts are a softer material than your average tee and more fitted so FTN said if you are between sizes it is better to go up a size for a more comfortable fit.

*Make sure your address is correct in PayPal as this is the address we will use to mail your shirts to you!

We would LOVE if you'd share this blog so we can get the word out about our shirt! When you do be sure to hash tag it #ShopFTN! The more shirts we sell the better the price of the shirt we buy them for and the more money we raise for Abbi Grace!

Thanks for stopping by! I hope you are having a fabulous week!!!!

Nina Update and More

Well Nina has her big appointment we were waiting for. They went over all of her tests, scans, blood work, video, every possible thing you can think of. So she has surgery November 12th. Her first surgery will be to put little sensor things under her skull to detect FOR SURE which tumers are causing the seizures. IF you look at her EEG from her hospital stay-there will be times when the EEG doesn't pick up some of the seizures that you can clearly see she is having, so the ones under the skull will guarantee where they are coming from so they are sure they are taking the right tumors out. Then the following week they will remove the tumors that need to be removed. We will need so much prayer at that time. Not only will she be having brain surgery, which is big, we will have very little time to decide which ones we should remove based on how close they are to certain areas of her brain that could effect her daily life, which we wont know till they are in there and see what they are looking at. WE have a general idea now, but wont really know till we are there.
Sooooo...that is that. I am excited that we will be starting Speech Therapy with her this Monday because I know that sweet girl wants to speak so much more than we can understand! And after a hearing test we learned that she may have mild hearing loss. We are not too concerned about that since we know she seems to be hearing us fine.
This girl is a FIGHTER! A sweet fighter guised by her sweet smile and contagious giggle! And even more than all of that-Her Heavenly Father loves her more than Gold! I can not WAIT to see what He has in store for her!
As far as things in our new adoption world...we are starting up and getting our first fundraiser going!!! I can't WAIT to show you all what is coming!!!! I'll give you a hint...it is something that can help you sport your support for Abbi! ;)
Keep an eye out for our next blog post...we will have our big reveal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love you all!! Thank you ALL for your AMAZING support in our new journey to Abbi!!!!

Here's a few adorable pictures of the little's and what has been happening around here...

Levi really concentrating of writing

Nina LOVES dressing up! So beautiful!

Isac working on his letters!

First day of Co-Op for my kiddos-they LOVE it!

Jumping on the trampoline our neighbors gave us-Nina LOVES jumping!

Isac loving on Nana and Papa's puppies

What's Up Next...Don't Miss It

I think of the people in the Bible, people we think of as the GREATS! There is Moses, the man who tried giving God every excuse in the world not to lead a huge group of his people to the promised land, but ended up accomplishing this HUGE act through God. Many doubted him, even those he was called to rescue. There is Noah, we all know him, built a HUGE boat and sailed through crazy storms for a year with a bunch of smelly animals and his family, listening to the cries of those outside drowning because of their stubborn pride. Yeah he was laughed at quit a bit during those days of building, but no one laughed later. And David, a young and small kid, willing to step forward past the strong men dressed in armor, and defeat an enormous giant! His brothers and the other soldiers, undoubtedly joking at David's expense at how he thought he could dare take this giant that they coward from. But he did it. And so did so many other men and woman of God, in the Bible and every year after. Men and woman willing to lay it all out on the line to follow Him and only Him. Willing to handle the doubt, mocking, and sometimes VERY unsolicited advice clothed as "godly wisdom", to listen and only hear the words coming from their Heavenly Father.
That is the life I want to lead. A life that is ready and willing to be one of the GREATS! I don't want to be remembered. I could really care less of the legacy I leave behind as being one of the greats, because that fades. Another hero will always rise, another person will always do something greater, that is just the way history works. I want to be a great because I want to know I was willing to give all to God.
 I know some think (I have been told)  us adopting more kids would take away from our family dynamic. How could we enjoy our family if we have so many kids? The only answer I have to that is my joy is found differently than it once was. It doesn't look the same as it once did. It is seeing my second child take it upon herself to teach her younger sister, just adopted, how to write, just because she wants to see her learn. It is in seeing my third daughter laugh with her new sister and tell me how much she loves being a big sister to her because they both love to giggle and Nina didn't have that before. It is watching Levi step it up to try and build a relationship with Nina and Isac that I have never seen him try and build before, all on his own. It is seeing my oldest cuddle with her new baby brother and read him a baby book. It is in watching my Nina learn the simple things that come so easily for all of us and LOVE the praise that comes with it. It is in watching Isac rest so easily in Josh's arms because he feels his love.
Getting there wasn't easy. Just like Moses I tried making every excuse I possibly could, but I KNEW God was calling us in a direction that I needed to go to. And I did not want to miss what HE had in store for us!
And...He is calling us again!!!!!!
Again, I tried making every excuse I could. I mean this time I've got good ones Lord! Things with Nina are still working themselves out. We are starting the process to move since we knew we were going back eventually, we need to be in a home that will fit our growing family. "Please God, I am willing but not now! What will people think?!"
I wrestled with this A LOT! But in the end, I saw her face, and in my heart I knew for some reason God was telling me,"this sweet girl just can't sit there any more...are you willing?"
"But God there are so many waiting? Why her? Is this you or me? LORD I am willing but please answer me?"
And over and over I knew His response..."are you willing?"
Josh and I just laid it down. Prayed hard. And the next morning in church, our Pastor preached a series called "Whatever It Takes". One of his quote was;

"God didn't call us to be average, HE died for us to be EXTRAORDINARY!"

Ephesians 3:20-2120 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

And what really hit us is when he said, "IF our own plans are not intimidating to me, it is probably insulting to God!"

Now do not get me wrong. I am not saying adopting equals to leading hundreds out of captivity like Moses or building a cruise line type boat to help save the human race. I am merely bringing our daughter home. But it wont be easy, I know people won't understand and some will doubt BUT it WILL be amazing to watch God provide all that we need once again to make it happen. HE has done it before for many who are willing, and I am grateful that we are in the front row to see it all!

I know many got to ride a long to watch us journey to Nina and Isac! I hope many will share in our next adventure to our sweet girl!

*Disclaimer: Eve is her agency name not the name we gave her.

I leave you with an excerpt from a book that has become a favorite of mine (and the Bible of course)....

Matthew 16:24-25

24 Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. 25 For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.
Like 14:33
In the same way, those of you who do not give up everything you have cannot be my disciples.

"Some people claim that we can be Christians without necessarily becoming disciples. I wonder, then, why the last thing Jesus told us was to go into the world, making disciples of all nations, teaching them to obey all that HE commanded? You'll notice that HE didn't add, "But hey, if it's that's too much to ask, tell them to just be Christians-you know, the people who get to go to heaven without having to commit to anything." "
"Having faith often means doing what others see as crazy. Something is wrong when our lives make sense to unbelievers. 
Christians today like to play it safe. We want to put ourselves in situations where we are safe "even if there is no God". But if we truly desire to please God, we cannot live that way. We have to do things that cost us during our life on earth but will be more than worth it in eternity."
"We ended up moving into a house that was half the size of our previous home, and we haven't regretted it. My response to the cynics, in the context of eternity,was, I the crazy one for selling my house?Or are you for not giving more, being with your Creator more? If one person "wastes" away his day spending hours connecting with God, and the other person believes he is too busy or has better thing to do then worship the Creator or Sustainer, who is the crazy one?" Francis Chan CRAZY LOVE

Being the parents of 7+ kids, some with special needs, will not and is not the easiest journey to live, and our kids may not have the memories of amazing expensive trips and vacations, but as a family we are making so many memories. IF there is one legacy I do want to leave my kids it is to live a life of denying self, taking up the cross and following Him. God DOES want us to have fun and enjoy life...but I guess it just depends what you consider joy...
No doubt Moses, Jesus and David didn't "enjoy" being mocked and persecuted...but their joy was not found in the things man thought of them. I pray we can live a life of a new kind of joy.
All of our joys will look different...God calls us to different things and has in different places in life, different journeys and different desires...this this where He lead us...this is where WE chose joy.

This is a video we showed our kids and family to announce our sweet Abbi.

Quick Update On Nina

Many of you know that Nina was admitted to the hospital on Monday-Friday for A LOT of tests.  While I was very happy to be with a team of doctors who seem to really know what they are talking about, I was super nervous about the week! Nina was put under every day but one for different tests and even more nerve wracking was that we had to take her off of her medications on Monday because they want to see how her body reacts and try and locate the trouble tumor.
With Tuberous Sclerosis Complex there is usually one tumor in the brain that will seek out the other tumors and cause them to intensify the seizure activity, and the longer that one is allowed to continue, the less chance Nina would ever have at being seizure free as she grows and also her chances of developing mentally and behaviorally become less and less. So all these tests were to try and find that trouble tumor.
It was a loooong week but Nina's body did all the things it needed to do to help the doctors gather more info. We started her on a new drug on Tuesday night and I will say the child has not been the same since!!! We are still seeing seizures, but whenever we change up meds it takes a while till everything balances out and we know if everything is at the right dose. But the girl that used to laze around the house because she was so tired, and be super irritable in the morning and fight every meal, has now woken up happy and running and laughing and eating! She has become a little more difficult at times and definitely testing her boundaries, but that is what every NORMAL child does, so I'm happy to reteach her. :) We are basically starting over.
The way the TSC clinic works is now that they have done all the tests, in a few weeks they will meet as a team to go over all of Nina's tests and get ideas of what they think would be the best course of action is. Whether it is to keep trying just the medicine she is on, add a new one or start looking at brain surgery to remove the trouble tumor.
We also met with a neuro-psychologist while we were in the hospital. She did not do a huge evaluation, but based on what we told her and what she saw of Nina she told us she definitely thinks she is on the autism spectrum. We were given a script for occupational therapy, speech therapy and behavior therapy.
Time will tell what the future holds for our girl. She for sure is a fighter but I am so happy we get to see the spark come alive in her!
We also were amazed at the chances we had to share our adoption story with doctors nurses and the food staff! ;) We had SUCH a great team of people around us at the hospital and did not meet one person who did not love on our Nina and help us out as much as possible!!!! I know nurses sometimes get the bum end of the deal as they have SO much to do and if not everything is met people can be hard on them but they all did AMAZING!!!!! THANK YOU!
Thank you all who prayed and left comments-they truly got me through the week!!!!

Love you all!

What I Wish I Did Not See, What I Wish I Did Not Know

When we went to China we only saw Isac's orphanage-the one he spent less than half his young life in, and when we were there, despite them telling us we could have a tour, the tour began and ended with our trip down a dark hallway to get Isac. We saw no faces of children, no class rooms, no cribs, nothing. I have heard of many friends touring their own children's orphanages. They say the silence in some orphanages is eerie, a sign of children who know there is no purpose to crying for a need, a hungry belly, a dirty diaper or purely out of a need for comfort, because they learn quickly- no one is coming. They tell of crib after crib after crib of two or three children staring blankly at the ceiling, having no one to smile at, no one to engage them. Toddlers lined up on the floor, with toys all around them, but no one to teach them what to do with them, and all they do it rock, or bang their sweet heads on the floor, for any sense of feeling. They say the smell is strong, a mixture of soggy clothes and dirt, some orphanages with a lingering scent, some that would knock you over. The air is thick. And the children that are old enough to engage, are attaching themselves to your legs, wrapping their fingers around your legs looking at you with eyes pleading for you to see them, to love them, and choose them to take home. Some have seen enough prospective families or foreigners to know how to get their attention, how to be perfect and sweet enough to prove they are worthy of you taking them home. But some, some sit off in a room alone, away from the people who come to take someone else. They have seen enough to know this isn't their time. Some simply have been told Americans only want to make them be slaves so they truly do not want to be adopted. If you asked them they would say so, and if you took them to court to be adopted they would tell the judge no.This is their reality-for all of them. They fight to be stronger, they lie to keep safe, they manipulate to be loves, they steal to eat and inside they cry...to survive another day.
I did not see all of that. Part of me wanted to, to have some idea of the life Nina did grow up in, another part of me is happy with my naive version of the beautiful first floor of the orphanage they allow the adoptive families to see.
But truth be told...I see it everyday. I do not dwell on it, I do not look for it, and I wish with my whole heart I could forget it. But I still see it. Every moment someone tries to play with Nina and her immediate reaction is to pull away. Even Josh and I, have to be slow to coax anything from her fingers. We were told Nina was picked on a lot in the orphanage, so my guess is anything she had, she probably did not get to hold to for very long before someone older or bigger wanted it. Nina fights meals a lot. She ALWAYS wants to eat, if your in the kitchen, she is in the kitchen at your toes, but at the same time we are pretty sure she only had two meals a day, making one of those meals a fight. And if ANYONE gets too close when she is eating food, you better be ready to put up a fight because she is not playing when it comes to food. Like I said, she was picked on, probably had food taken often. There are still days when Isac has woken up in the middle of the night screaming his poor lungs out. I don't mean a sad, scared scream like any of our children. Like a scream you would hear coming from someone fighting for their lives! It breaks my heart that our son has 2 1/2 years of history I know nothing about. So when I hold him after he cries like that, I simply do not know how to make it better...because I can't. There are moments when Nina is in "time in" that she still rocks-her way of self soothing herself from years of having no one there to teach her she is loved, she does not have to face anything alone and she is safe. Nina HATES to have any one upset at her! The more upset any one is at her, even when it is simply a stern look, she is very very sad! She still fights for attention. While Nina doesn't do many things in extreme, we still see so many signs of wanting and longing for attention. If she sees her brother crying because he got hurt and getting a hug and kiss, she will start crying, if she sees mommy or daddy laughing at her sister because she is dancing funny, she will start dancing and laughing to get the same attention. She craves it and soaks it up! Those moments when I am rocking and cradling her to make up for our lost baby years-I see her look up at me with eyes that seem to have an under lining sadness of loss. The same is true for Isac, though I am sure he doesn't understand his loss, when he feels wronged or just really sad about something, sometimes it is hard to consul him, and the crying is different, as if there is an underlining sense of loss. All of these things have shown me what being abandoned and living life in an orphanage look like...and I see it daily!

And because of those things...I will NEVER be the same! I struggle daily for the children who are still left behind. In Ukraine, in China, in America, in Uganda and Ethiopia and India and all around the world!. My heart is always aching, always asking, when and if we should go back?! I know as long as I am able I will always say yes to God when it comes to bringing children into our homes.
 I hear the excuses the world throws at us...how messy my house must be, how can you possibly hear yourself think. Isn't it too wild?! It is, there are times when I have to step outside and breath in and out, but I know parents with ONE who need that very same moment! My children LOVE each other! They play together! They accept each other! It doesn't matter if you have two or 20, your children must learn that of their siblings if they are going to show that to the world! It isn't always perfect love, but then I am still learning that myself! And depending on the children you are bringing into your family, it may take them some time to learn of this love and acceptance, it isn't always a perfect formula, but it is love.  I know in America we have set rules as to how many children we should have in our home. I mean you just HAVE to pay for their college. And their weddings, FAR more important than any child lost without a future rotting in an orphanage right? And every child MUST have the childhood we never had-toys and trips-their own room and a full ride to college, and working through high school-now what kind of life is that for a child! I refuse to live by these rules. They are man made, NOT God made. HE wants a future of love hope and salvation for each one of His children. WE are His hands and feet! I no longer want to hear, "if God really loves them then why are they orphaned." Short and simple, we live in a fallen world where He gave us each free will, to not be puppets. To love Him freely of our own will. And many of us choose to not love Him. Many choose to kill their babies. some forced to abandoned because of others cruelty. But it is up to US to love on His children!
To get past our excuses and SEE Him moving in our lives through the lives of these children all over the world!

So that..

Our sweet Amy (a child we sponsor) who is in a good foster home, can have the chance to thrive and walk and run like every girl her age should!

So that this sweet boy whose need is so small can actually lose the sadness, the defeat and he can grow big, strong and thrive!

So that Lucy can stop asking everyday, "when is it my turn? When will my mama and baba come for me?!"

So that this sweet girl whose sight isn't perfect can learn the face of her mama and know she is loved beyond measure!

And so Teddy can know that he really isn't so different because HE IS LOVED AND PERFECT THE WAY GOD MADE HIM!

And so sweet Eve can grown stronger and grow up knowing she is beautiful and strong  and oh so loved!

I pray for all of these babies daily! I wish my home was bigger, that adoption wasn't so expensive and that it didn't take so much time!  I hope and pray all of these babies and many more will soon have brave mama and baba's stepping out on faith for them!!!!Though none of these things will stop me from moving mountains if I need to, to bring them all home. Because God has done it before for us...and I know He can and WILL do it again!

These songs below capture what my heart says:

I Saw What I Saw

DO SOMETHING

Journey to Nina and Isac Video and Prayer Request

Well it took me some time but I finally got a video together of my two kids journey to us!!!! Hope you enjoy!

PRAYER REQUEST!!! Nina has her neurologist appointment tomorrow to go over all of her 48 hour EEG tests from a few weeks ago! Pray we get answers to get rid of her seizures! We did notice in the hospital during the tests that she was having some in her sleep, but it would be nice to know how many she is having that we don't see. It will be a long journey of trial and error with different medications till we find one that gets rid of all her seizures and doesn't have crazy side effects. And med changes are always hard on her emotionally and physically. It will be a long road but so worth it to see her sweet happy self again!

Hope your all having a great week!

Six Months

Six months already! MAn where has the time gone?..................

This Is Home -Switchfoot

Hard to believe on November 13, 2012 Josh and I waited nervously in the the lobby of the orphanage waiting to meet Isac. We were excited nervous and ready to be in the moment so many of our adoption parents had been in before us. We were taken by surprise at how quickly Isac came to us. At first stoic and probably confused, sad and scared but showing no emotion at all. Just hours later when we left the orphanage Isac showed us his smiley, happy laid back personality. He has come so so far! Isac's least favorite thing is to be told no-tell him no, and you may be met with the loudest, highest pitch scream you have ever heard! And it may not go away too quickly. This boy amazes us with his singing in the morning from his bed and his unprompted "pleases" and "thank you's". Most of the time you can find him playing (running around like mad men) with his "bubby". The two of them have become the best of friends! IT IS AMAZING!!!! We worried so much how Levi would handle losing his spot as baby and only boy, and while it wasn't an easy start, I can't even imagine Levi's life any different! Yes, there are moments, where I think Levi misses all of the attention, but we make sure to give him moments where he is the center, but usually he doesn't need it for long before he is running to find "Jun Jun". In fact there are so many times I have caught Levi trying to "save" Jun Jun. If Isac gets too close to the water for Levi's comfort, Levi will try and push him back. Of course this isn't usually met with gratefulness from Isac HA!. but it is cute. :) These two virtual twins even have their own language! They can be heard saying things like "WAKE UP" which the other repeats then they scream! LOL! No one knows what they are talking about, but they seem to!

 On November 17, 2013 in walked Yu Bao Yan. Since we had such an easy gotcha with Isac, we were now aware it could be more possible than we had thought. But Nina likes to keep us on ours toes. When she realized that a big change was about to happen, that she had no control over, she was not happy about it! True to Nina, she was a fighter who had grown to learn the hard way, that if you needed to protect yourself, you needed to fight hard yourself! Though a mighty protector of self, she is also a very sweet child! After walking out the door, she gave up the fight and only hours later was laughing and smiling with us! This child has NOT been the easy one, but man how she has made me a better mom! She forgives with in seconds, she LOVES affection, and she sometimes takes more patients than I ever knew I had! All of those things have stretched and grown me! Nina is sweet, happy, LOVES to talk (though her language is coming slow so you really have no idea what shes saying), and knows what she likes! She still has a very strong defensive wall she will put up if she feels like she needs to, but I have slowly seen her rely on Josh and I to protect her and make her feel safe. Nina LOVES to play with her sisters!!! I know a lot is lost in translation as she can't really converse with back to them, but she loves to laugh and giggle and follow a long with them, and sometimes even the boys when they get crazy! :) She and Levi sometimes butt heads more often, but I think it is because they are pretty much a like. :)

Adoption is so much more than I ever imagined! It is humbling, exhausting, heart breaking, motivating, and eye opening! To see and hear my kids asking for us to go back again to give another child a home, when they now know the cost to them, is just amazing! To see their love for Isac and Nina, as if they had been born of my body, is just mind blowing! 

I can not wait for the day out Lord calls us back to adopt!