Which Way is Up

Here's another back post to catch you up on our crazy ride! Please feel to comment and join!!! ;)

October 29, 2012


Well….we started our paper work. We talked to an agency, annnnd we have talked to a woman to do our home study. All these things guided by a friend who I’ve known forever, who has gone before me. My husband and I told the agency, we wanted a boy younger than Levi, under a year, or a girl younger than Elli, 4 and under. MY husband and I started leaning more towards a boy to give Levi some boy action in his life, but before we could tell our agency they sent a file of a sweet girl. Josh and I looked at her and smiled. Well, how can we say no to a child that needs help? That’s why we were doing this. She was under Elli’s age and she had epilepsy, we really didn’t feel we had any reason to say no…so we emailed our agency back and said alright, we will move forward. Well in the world of adopting, our agency had locked the child in for us so that no other agency could match her to someone else. That gives you 72 hours to make up your mind and send in the necessary paperwork. YIKES!!! My thoughts too! But we went ahead and did it. We sent in the paper work, and since we had already started the paperwork we had seen that, well, we do NOT have $80,000 worth of stuff in our home. We don’t own our house, so we don’t have home owners insurance, and most of what we have isn’t worth much, even if we were being generous with the value of it, we still didn’t make it. Many told us China doesn’t check to make sure your numbers are right, but we didn’t feel right about saying we had more than we did. Many will say but the government is corrupt, these children need families, and they don’t care about you so who cares if you need to lie to bring them home. ALL of that is true, and for those who feel they have every reason to fib a little to bring a child home, I am in NO WAY judging, I too totally understand that way of thinking, but my husband didn’t feel comfortable with it. He said if this is something God really wants to happen, it can happen despite us. And he is right, though everything in me want s to scream but what if?!, he is totally right. I knew from the beginning that this was God’s plan and not mine, so I needed to trust my God, trust my husband and lean on them both to follow. It has not been easy. I see her face and think what will her future be if things don’t go through. She is very cute, young, a girl and she only has epilepsy, so maybe her chances are good that someone will come get her, but what if they don’t, what will happen to her? But my God is bigger than me and He can and will walk with her in her life. I'm trying very hard not to attach myself because of the what if's, but even if she is not ours, she still needs prayers from a mommy out there, even if she is not ours to bring home.
I can see how much this process is growing me though. Even with all the unknowns, and the lack of faith I feel I have. A year ago I would have never had this kind of security in myself that God could possibly call me to step out in such a big way. That my faith would be strong enough that I would literally almost hear God whispering, it’s time to move. And that when I would finally give into that call, I would feel such an undeniable almost physical, peace that this was His voice, not mine, speaking. I know this is going to be a LONG, hard road, before and after. But I’m really excited to see where God is going to bring me, because I’ve seen how far I’ve come even in this last year of my life.
Another little tib-bit I wanted to share was a couple weeks ago, somewhere I was listening to the story of Gideon and how he kept laying out the fleeces and saying, prove to me that your God, okay one more time, okay just one more time. I listen to that story and thought, ya know, I have never asked God to show me anything so that HE had to prove He was who he said He was. I just have always believed. But I thought to myself, how cool would it be, to say I’ve seen a miracle on earth? Something I couldn’t deny was totally God. That thought came to me the other day as I was crying at the thought that there was this chance that I may not be able to bring this little girl to a brighter life. But then I thought, what if this was God’s way of showing me a miracle. What if, despite the fact that the woman working on my case said, it may be possible to be pre -approved despite not meeting the $80,000, but she hasn't seen or heard of it happening, that God shows up and makes it happen?! Anyway, maybe I’m getting ahead of myself. It will be at least one to two weeks before I ever find out if were pre-approved…so I will wait. I will TRY to be patient…but I can’t promise anything. Because though my faith may look strong reading this…I promise you I am definitely a work in process!!!