When the Honeymoon is Over

I start this post off saying Abbi is A-Mazing! She just is! And I want you all to know just how beautiful adoption is!But adoption is also hard! And I do not want my posts or pictures to come across as if adoptions are all rainbows and sunshine, because it is not! But this sweet girl comes from pain! Last night as I was getting her ready for bed she wanted to eat again...like she has been doing since we got her. I set her in my lap to rock her to sleep and she cried. And she sobbed and she sobbed and she sobbed! And I cried with her. There are many reason adopted kids grieve. One theory is they so not want to sleep because they are afraid of waking up and things going back to the way they were. It could be that she just plain misses familiar. At this point she wants nothing to do with the bed! If I am on it, she walks over to the chair and and hits it, wanting me to sit over there instead, and then she will crawl onto my lap.
Another one of her orphanage habits is eating. Eating all day brings her comfort because she did not get as much as she wanted in the orphanage. At one point I was giving her M & M's and raisins. I had seen her putting them in a pile and not eating them so eventually I pointed to the pile and signed eat. I look over again and they were all gone! I looked everywhere for them, then I saw her eating them out of her pocket. You see kids who come from hard places will hide food, so they know for sure they will never go hungry. After talking to many other moms who have adopted from Shanghai, it is very common for children to come home wanting to eat everything they can get their hands on. Because they just never had enough. One mom even told me that girls especially are hungry because they feed the boys first and usually all that is left is broth.
Also when Abbi grieves, she wants her shoes on. It gives her a sense of comfort some how. It is night 3 with her and she cried less tonight but she still went to bed with shoes on, at least they are the red sparkly one we gave her!. MY heart breaks every time. No child should suffer so much loss and change! We can shake our heads and point our fingers at a country whose government has created this mess, but America is no better, only our problem is selfishness, greed and complacency. So many would rather be ignorant of the need in our own country and shake their finger at those who adopt internationally. Mean while, no one moves to stop it. Our world is just so corrupt,,,and children suffer. My heart breaks as I look at Abbi and see a girl so sweet, so happy and so hurt! It could take years to un- do all the trauma, but we will be with her every step of the way!
We took Abbi for her first swim tonight. It did not last long. She seemed to be okay with it but it took away all her comforts. We got out and she wanted her shoes. But she wanted to get back in. It did not last long as she wanted her shoes back on and needed her snack cup in her hand. Once all of those were in place the smile came back.

Love wearing a swim cap...so no one EVER!

Today we went to the orphanage and visited Abbi's finding spot, (the place she found after she was abandoned). I was so nervous to visit as I was not sure how Abbi would handle it since she had grieved so hard the night before. But I thought it would be good for both of us. I talked myself into being okay if she saw her nannies and wanted only them and had a hard time leaving because after all, shes only known me for 3 days. We were led back to her room. When we first walked in I could tell Abbi was a little confused and nervous, but she got down and ran to a few nannies but always came back to me with open arms! Yes my heart melted into a million pieces! I saw her bed, empty now and being used to fold clothes (SO HAPPY THAT BED IS EMPTY!!!!) The first face I saw when we walked in was this sweet girl who I have been aching to have a family! She is in so many of Nina's pictures! (And yet neither acted like they knew each other, really non of the kids acknowledged each other.)

 This sweet girl NEEDS A MAMA!!!! She is the sweetest thing! Held on to my hand and smiled real big. My heart was so happy I got to see her in person but I HATED that I was leaving her behind! At one point I looked over in the corner and a little boy lay on the floor. Bug bites all over with no smile at all. I put my fingers through the slats of the wooden play pin to try and encouraging him to come over but he just started at me with angry eyes. Eyes that even as a small baby, seem to say I have been hurt too many times. Finally he got up and grabbed onto my finger. I tried to talk to him and tickle him and I finally got a small smile. I rubbed his back and talked a little more. (My guide told me at this point that I needed to get a job here!) Abbi had made her way over to me with her arms wide open and I had to pick her up, literally ripping my fingers from his sweet hand, a long with my heart! All the little kids were in the wooden pin (minus the one ignored in the crib and the one separated in his own wooden crib) and the ones about Abbi's age were glued to the wooden chairs by their cribs. What they were doing I don't not know but knowing these kids live their days in these walls breaks my heart. I was able to go to a few different rooms and meet some other mama's kiddos that are waiting and take video and pictures for them. A gift I found priceless!!!  Passing teenagers siting in a room reading books may have been just as sad as seeing the babies! To know they have been there this long, living life alone....I can not even imagine!